Parents often complain of aggressive, hostile behavior between siblings that falls below the bar of actual conflict. This is not about when they are having a dispute or fighting about anything specific. It's sometimes verbal and often physical – an insult out of the blue or a slug on the shoulder in passing. This is not something you can mediate because seemingly there is no issue to talk about.
Yet this behavior creates a low hum of unpleasantness in your home. It brings everybody down. It often draws yelps of indignation or mournful tears. Parents find themselves waiting, cringing, for the next episode in this stream of bashing. It's not nothing.
We sometimes ask, somewhat helplessly, “Why did you do that?” and the kids will often answer, to our intense frustration, “I don't know.”
I believe them. I believe kids when they say they don't know why they called their sister a “loser” or bopped their brother on the head in the hallway. But I'm beginning to think I know why. It has to do with clutter.
Clutter?
Since Covid struck, a lot of us have been wrestling with our belongings in an effort to streamline our homes, reduce inventory, and have a calmer relationship with our surroundings. Like many of you, I've been cooped up more than I'm used to and eyeing my possessions with a critical squint: Have I stopped needing this? Does it bring me down? Is it time to let go of it?
I'm wondering if it's possible there's such a thing as relational clutter.
We are decluttering our children's material possessions all the time. We have to, because the kids are growing (outgrown clothes need to be moved along) and they are developing (outgrown books and toys have to go, too.) Let's take a look under your child's bed:
some candy wrappers
several random Legos
a sock puppet
a single shoe
three pegs from a game that's already in the give-away bin in the hall closet
Some of this is easy. The wrappers go in the trash. Your child puts the Legos away in their bin. The shoe (long ago outgrown) gets put together with its mate, which has been waiting patiently in the shoe rack, and your child puts them in the give-away bin while adding the three stray pegs to the game box.
But then there's the sock puppet. You suggest putting it in the give-away bin, but your child isn't ready to part with it. In fact, he talks about the puppet with great tenderness. His grandma made it for him when he was sick one day, and he thinks it should go in his treasure box. OK, fine.
Even something as simple as cleaning under a bed is a process: this is trash, that goes here, this goes there. And the sock puppet...well, that was a thoughtful discussion, leading to a mindful action. If you had followed your own instincts about the puppet, it would have resulted in sadness, hurt feelings and resentment. That's the benefit of taking the time to process.
So what happens when we don't process conflict? Let's look at several examples:
I separate the kids, telling them they need to “cool off.” Anger subsides but rancor sets in.
I tell them how they should solve the problem. (This is called “arbitration.”) I have chosen a mechanical solution without any examination of the kids' underlying feelings. The feelings remain.
I shut down the conflict by means of a threat or bribe. The kids stuff their feelings, thus postponing the conflict to another hour, day, or week.
In all of these scenarios, I've solved my problem (being annoyed by the noise, commotion and strong feelings) without addressing the kids' problem. Even if their conflict dissipates, what's left is ugly debris: hostility, resentment, bitterness. This is what I mean by “relational clutter.” I shared this idea with a young mom who responded, “We get attached to the relational clutter in the same way we get attached to physical clutter. We get used to the piles and step over things and don't even really see them anymore. Same goes for relational clutter. We fall into routines and patterns of conflict to the point that we just don't know how else to engage with each other or how to 'snap out of it.'”
Of course you want peace and quiet. And mediation takes time. But it's the only way to get peace along with your quiet.